Tag Archives: disguise

Published On Productive Muslim
22nd August, 2015
This is the original version

Please Stop Pretending And Just Face It!
There’s Nothing ‘Special’ About Special Needs!

Me and Sino

Trouble lurked on the horizon….

Not only was the cute little girl crying at the top of her lungs; she was wearing a RED T-shirt! Those were all the triggers my son needed to attack her….
And even though I’m known to have the memory of a gold fish, and this one incident happened many years ago, I still remember it vividly…

It was supposed to be a beautiful day. We were at the playground and I had that extra sense of triumph of having everything under control. No sandboxes in sight. Check. My baby girl’s milk bottle was tinted because my son can’t stand looking at milk or any other white liquid. Check. We were sitting in the sun as far away as possible from babies and loud families. Check. My son was wearing Velcro shoes, all-cotton clothing with tags all cut out and he never had any sugar, fruits or ketchup, so according to my calculations, the chances of him acting up were pretty low that day.

I was miserably wrong…

Even though it was a split second, it all happened in slow motion.

I was holding my son’s hand and carrying my baby girl in the other arm. The sounds of the cries echoed in my ears and I saw the look on my son’s face change. I quickly put my baby in her stroller as I felt his jaws clench and his little hand squirming away from my tight grip. He ran like a tiger towards the innocent cute girl and I knocked over a chair trying to catch up with him. I finally grabbed him from his shirt before he reached the girl, whom at this point had stopped crying from the shock of what was about to happen, yet still had forgotten her mouth and eyes wide open. Her mom started screaming which aggravated my son even more as he took out his anger on me. He slapped me hard on the face, swearing all kinds of obscenities then kicked me in the stomach. Amidst the chaos I motioned to the mom to take her girl and walk away, hardly missing the dirty look she gave me.

“Some women are just not allowed to be mothers!” I heard her tell her friends who also turned around to stare me down.

I bolted my son with my arms only to find another woman tapping me on the back and handing me my screaming daughter.
“You really shouldn’t leave your baby unattended” She said with disgust. “It’s not her fault you can’t control your son!”

I thanked her with an inaudible whisper before deciding to never return to the playground again. My tears rolled down all the way home, not even feeling the pain of my son’s teeth digging into my skin. Biting at that time was one of the few skills he used to calm himself down.

I mustered all my energy to get through the tantrums and breaking of stuff, guarding my daughter’s life from my son’s sudden unexpected blows till bedtime. Then I sat alone in the corner, just staring at the wall in utter silence, too drained to cry….

After all, it was supposed to be a beautiful day….

Today I come undone…

I’m not a writer or a psychologist or the ‘happy girl’ most people know me as. Today I’m just a defeated mother who is tired of pretending she’s strong enough to handle this challenge. Today I only want to sit with moms like me, who are tired of listening to people say “God gave you a ‘special’ child because you’re a special mom”, or “You’re blessed with a rare gift”. I want to hug the moms holding back their tears and screams as they watch their disabled children struggle through life, rejected, ridiculed and shunned by a society they can’t possibly fit in. I want to pause this roller coaster of emotions everyone thinks we are gifted and lucky to be on. Today I stand on solid ground holding hands with my own kind, and I ask with all honesty…
How does a mother of a normal child feel when she hears he’s being bullied at school? How would you feel if your child is never invited to birthday parties or family gatherings? If your friends are scared of your little son or daughter? If doctors tell you your child will never be able to go to college or work or drive or get married? We all know it’s in Allah’s hands in the end, but how would you feel hearing it…?

Perhaps people think raising a child with special needs is a gift… But how can a gift give you so much pain? How can a blessing break your heart…?

Denial Drags Us Down

With a wide spectrum of disorders ranging from ADHD to Autism and Down Syndrome, every child is different and no ‘one solid advice’ will cut it. Medications have catastrophic side effects and some disorders have no known cures yet. I remember after two weeks of constant testing, how uncomfortable the neurosurgeon was when he said, “You need to come to terms with your son’s reality. Sugarcoating the truth will only set you up for a huge disappointment. Therapy can help him cope but no one can heal him completely.”

“God can heal my son. Miracles happen every day!” I replied with conviction.

And so I held on to my faith. I still put him in mainstream schools, got him shadow teachers and demanded he gets the academic education he deserved. Denial was the only tool I had at my disposal until the powers of it ran out. I prayed for miracles but nothing changed. I stayed up night after night asking Allah for help, my tears flowing non-stop as I begged and pleaded and supplicated for a solution….

“Mommy, what are you doing?” My son asked one day.
“I’m talking to Allah, asking Him for help with something.” I said, wiping my tears.
“I want to talk to Allah, too” My son said. “I want to ask Him not to make you sad anymore.”

“Allah loves us so much and He is so Kind! Do you really think He would want to make anyone sad?” I asked.

Hearing myself say those words, hypocrisy stared back at me with a smirk. If I was so sure of Allah’s love, which I am, then why was I sitting here feeling sorry for myself like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do? Why was I trying to convince Allah that I have unwavering faith and then break down when He tests it?

“I will tell Him I don’t want a sad mom!” My son interrupted my thoughts. “Give me Allah’s phone number!”

My son’s innocence replaced my bitterness with laughter. That day I stopped waiting for a miracle, for I realized that you can’t hope to swim without getting wet, you can’t pass an exam without studying, and you can’t jump high without bending your knees. I realized we need genuine faith for miracles to happen and so I stopped begging Allah not to test me, because big rewards require huge efforts. And I’m truly desperate for the biggest reward of all… seeing Allah’s face in Heaven….

It’s Not What You See It’s How You See It

I wish I had a magic wand or a specific piece of advice to help every parent reading this article, but each case is just as unique as each of our children’s needs, and it takes a lot of trial and error to figure out a productive pattern that works. I do have something else to give though, and once you allow yourself to see it with your heart, you’ll realize it surely does put your mind to rest…

“So verily, with the hardship, there is relief. Verily, with the hardship, there is relief…” (94:5-6, Holy Qur’an)

God Almighty never said we won’t face difficulties in this life, but He promised He will put ease in every hardship. Not before or after hardship, but along side of it. For every negative there must be a positive to balance it out, otherwise we would have collapsed a long time ago. It’s not the problem that’s affecting us, it’s how we deal with the problem that’s making it that much harder. It’s us being too drained to search for the comfort within the suffering that’s making us sad and broken. Us not seeing Allah’s blessing doesn’t mean it’s not there.

So allow me to share my personal endurance guide, complied after over ten years of downfalls and endless drama….

The Seven Rules Of Survival:

  • Ask God to help you through this.
    Ceaselessly. Consistently.
    Pleading while making sincere du’aa works!
  • Stop resisting and start accepting. Your life has changed so don’t go against the current. When necessary, adjust your schedule, outings and behavior according to your child’s special needs. If your child is aggressive, you’ll have to think of other kids’ safety and keep him or her away. Special needs schools are your best option. Trained professionals will guide you on how to create a new, easier lifestyle.
  • Put your ego on the side. Apologize and explain your child’s condition to strangers when things get rough. I found that people become very sweet and helpful once they understand the situation.
  • For God’s sake take a break before you break down. Spoil yourself every now and then with a spa, alone time, or some fun with your friends. Find a trusted someone to take care of your child even if it’s for a couple of hours once a week. Your child will be okay don’t worry. Well-rested parents make better parents.
  • Join support groups, look up nearby facilities that provide activities for special needed kids, and share tips with other parents who are going through the same struggle. It’s soothing to realize you’re not alone in this. I personally met wonderful families through organizations like ‘Unique’ (rarechromo.org) and Autism Speaks (www.autismspeeks.org)
  • Don’t forget your other children! You’re not the only one carrying this load; your special child’s siblings are carrying it too. Let them voice out their feelings and get the emotional support they need before asking them to help out or cooperate.
  • I firmly believe that every child, with special needs or not, has a unique talent gifted by The Great Lord. Find that genius flair and pursue it to the fullest. (Now that’s just me, but I believe my son is super talented in soccer he is destined to be the next Messi inshAllah). Maybe some of our kids don’t have the mental capacity to believe in themselves, but us parents have enough faith and will to believe in them…

Truth Is Very Different From Reality:

I remind myself before anyone else to zoom out and see the bigger picture. All this agonizing sorrow is perhaps a darker shade within a colorful portrait. The test is only a means to achieve a goal we chose. We can either resist the harsh reality or accept the blessed truth behind it. We can complain and scream “Why Me?”, wasting precious productive years of our lives, or we can accept that life in this world was never meant to be perfect and realize it’s only those with great stamina and perseverance that can reach the top, and finally enjoy that breathtaking view…

A man once asked Prophet Muhammad (PBUH): “Which of the people is tried most severely?” He said: “The Prophets, then those nearest to them, then those nearest to them. A man is tried according to his religion; if he is firm in his religion, then his trials are more severe, and if he is frail in his religion, then he is tried according to the strength of his religion. The servant shall continue to be tried until he is left walking upon the earth without any sins.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2398)

Loud and clear my beloved Prophet… Loud and clear…

“Okay fine!” I suddenly giggle like a little child. “Perhaps we are special after all…”

Lilly S. Mohsen

Three Strikes And You’re OUT!

Published on Productive Muslim, Feb 18th 2015

Below is the original uncut version

Three Strikes And
You’re OUT!

Surat Al Kahf Series- Part Three

The It’s one of those days….
The alarm doesn’t go off. You’re late for an urgent meeting. There’s no edible food in the fridge and you’re out of coffee. You stomp your feet on the way out and maybe rip your pants. The car won’t start so you take a cab with a chatty driver who takes a wrong turn and you end up stuck in traffic for what seems like a whole week!
You just want to scream: “Why do BAD things happen to GOOD people?”

I remember feeling the same way when my son’s school closed down and with his autism; a change in routine was no walk in the park! Being a single mom, I honestly broke down, thinking Allah was testing me at my weakest…. And then I learnt about Prophet Musa’s story with Al Khidr, and why we read about it in Surat Al Kahf every Friday. Since then, a blessed light cleared my vision, and nothing was ever the same again….

Recap?
Okay but let’s make it brief.
So a man asks Prophet Musa who is the most knowledgeable person alive and the blessed Prophet automatically answers that he was, since he’s the Messenger of God. But Allah shows Prophet Musa there’s someone else (a man named Al Khidr) with even more knowledge and Prophet Musa humbly embarks on a long journey to find him and learn from him. Al Khidr instructs the Prophet not to ask any questions during the learning process, and he tries to oblige, expect it was very difficult not to wonder why the wise Al Khidr would wreck the poor people’s ship, kill a young boy and fix a wall in a town where he was obviously not welcomed. Prophet Musa’s legitimate curiosity got the best of him, and Al Khidr finally explained that each act he did might have seemed horrible or confusing on the outside, but in reality it was for a very good cause. I guess this story is the origin of the phrase ‘blessings in disguise’.
What does this have to do with productivity, though?
I’ll let the following golden lessons answer this question…

Lesson One: The Only Way To Get More Is Give More:

If that makes any sense! But before I start with the first story of the poor people on the ship, can I just pause to admire Prophet Musa for a little bit? Do you understand who he was?! The chosen one! Yet he travelled a long way to learn from someone else. He could have easily went up to Al Khidr and said, “Hey! I spoke to Allah Himself. Can you top that?” But instead he asked polity to follow him! That kind of humility is the first step to achieving any goal. In order to learn and get ahead in life, you need to be humble enough to listen and absorb information from others.

The journey has a lot of action and movement. Al Khidr did not sit Prophet Moses down and then scribble words on the white board to teach him. No, he took his student out on live experiences. The first was on board of a ship that belonged to a group of poor people, and they were kind enough to welcome Al Khidr and Prophet Musa and help them reach their destination. Al Khidr made a hole in the ship because he knew from Allah there was a king behind them about to forcefully seize it. The very same ship these people used to help others, Allah preserved it for them.
And now everything makes senses, for when you give help, money, time or service from the heart, you’ll only get more, never lose.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad was so right when he said:

Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:
“Charity does not in any way decrease the wealth and the servant who forgives Allah adds to his respect, and the one who shows humility Allah elevates him in the estimation (of the people).”

Lesson Two: Nothing Is Lost, Only Replaced

This story is a hard pill swallow. I mean killing a child? Seriously? It’s every parent’s worst nightmare, and here he is Al Khidr murdering an innocent soul because the boy might grown up and disobey his parents. How do we know if the heartache of losing a child isn’t worse than him misbehaving?!
Well, Allah knows.
And if you’ve ever watched a young man hit his dad or become an atheist or a young Muslim girl eloping with her boyfriend and causing a huge scandal, or becoming a drug addict, you will totally understand that sometimes death is a mercy when compared to other constantly draining disasters.
The murdered boy will most probably go to Jannah and his parents will only have the sweetest memories of him before having a new child, who will fill their lives with joy.
Never does Allah take anything away without giving back something better.

Lesson Three: Our Goodness Survives Even After We Are Gone:

Prophet Moses and Al Khidr set out to a town of inhospitable people, the kind who wouldn’t hand you a glass of water if you were in burning building. Imagine what these people would do once they find a buried treasure? Would they really give it to its rightful owners? Definitely not! Al Khidr built a wall to preserve the treasure under it till the orphan boys grow up, because that’s when they will need it the most. He explained his actions later, saying he did that for the sake of their father, who was a righteous man.

Oh how we worry and pile the money up fearing our children will struggle after we pass away. All the trust funds and life insurances to secure the future hold nothing next to how we choose to live before we die. Allah promises us many rewards if we stay on the right path, and one of them is financial security for our families when we can longer provide for them. Islam is anything but self-centered; it teaches us we are all connected, and every little good deed we do will have a ripple effect to benefit our loved ones and many others.

Okay my turn to go all mushy and soppy!
Do you feel the sentiments in this beautiful chapter? Do you see how Allah cares for our feelings and softly soothes our hearts? In the first story, he takes away the fear and anger of losing the ship. In the second he takes away the sadness and disappointment in a rebellious child, and in the third he takes away the anxiety of worrying about the future. This is our Lord… The Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate. If we really knew Him, or allowed ourselves that honor of learning about Him, we will never think that bad things could happen to His good people. They’re only hidden blessings….

I found out later my son’s previous school shut down because the teachers used to hit the special needed kids and abuse them, knowing they can never report back to their parents. My son now goes to a new school, where the teachers are angels sent to us from heaven. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy, and I’m grateful for everything he’s learning and for who he’s becoming now. The blessing is clear and vivid now; no longer in disguise….

This Holy chapter teaches us so much more than what meets the eye. How assumptions toy with our minds and lead us to the darkest of places. How giving others the benefit of the doubt is a forgotten ‘sunnah’ and shows us why we panic and breakdown, because we have zero knowledge of what the future beholds, and that’s the third trial the Anti-Christ will come with. The Dajjal will test our faith, blind us with wealth and impress us with his knowledge. He will be able bring back the dead for God’s sake! The only way to survive this tribulation is to remain humble and sincere. The power of knowledge is in knowing there’s a lot we don’t know…. It’s in true submission to the Great Lord and trusting in His will and timing….

Hey! What about the title and the three strikes? You forgot to mention we only get a number of chances and we must learn from our mistakes and that patience is the key to every good!

Actually I had no idea about that.
I just thought the title was fun 🙂

Lilly S. Mohsen